Here at 4PC, most of us love us some Gears of War. I know I do. So imagine our collective excitement when the trailer for the third installment of the series hit the Webs. However, we couldn’t help but notice a trend between all the trailers. And because of that, I give you the three essential building blocks of a Gears of War trailer. The trailers have been sprinkled throughout for your viewing pleasure.
1. Get a Somber Indie Tune
This one could easily be the most important. The key ingredient, if you will. You can’t show grown men shooting shit without a song that secretly makes you want to cry playing in the background. I mean c’mon, it’s the end of the world here people; is Rock You Like a Hurricane what you want to die to? These games are like…seriously fucking emotional, man. And if the song has already been made popular by a movie that the hip kids like, perfect! I mean what better way to put all this violence in perspective than a song you heard from Donnie Darko or Little Miss Sunshine? Throw a Smiths song on to the next trailer, and I may be so moved that I kill myself before the game even comes out.
Tear-jerking Breakdown:
Gears 1: Gary Jules-Mad World
Gears 2: DeVotchka-How it Ends
Gears 3: Sun Kil Moon-Heron Blue
2. Show Grown Men Acting Like Pussies (or doing pussy-ish things)
Hey asshole, don’t judge a book by its cover, alright? These characters aren’t just ‘roided-out, meathead killing machines. They’ve got sensitive, contemplative sides too. Did you see the way Marcus contemplated the shit out of that busted statue before he had to go slaughter some more aliens, or did you catch the Cole Train staring at the flower? Double pussy points for Dom for letting his bitchiness carry over into the third game. Don’t you people understand? He’s so distraught that he had to grow a damn comfort beard. “It’s just you and me beard, fuck ‘em all.”
Emotional Breakdown:
Gears 1: Marcus thinks to himself, “I bet some kid got his face blown off just like this statue.”
Gears 2: Cole and Marcus sit and long for the days when they can resume their hobbies of gardening and butterfly collecting.
Gears 3: Dom really displays his emotional range by saying “Eff you!” to shaving.
3. The “Oh Shit!” Moment
The best that most trailers can do is to give viewers a tingle so small that it barely registers in their unwashed nether regions. Marcus Fenix has two words for those trailers, “Fuck that stupid shit; this is Gears of Mother-Fuckin’ War, son!” A Gears trailer requires a moment so spectacular that it erects nothing short of the fullest of fully-engorged Redwoods. Excitement so great that you actually feel bad if you don’t poop a little. The moment may be fleeting, but the stains it leaves behind will remind you of its greatness.
Pant-Changing Breakdown
Gears 1: Marcus apparently jumps into the same building that the Corpsers hold their weekly union meetings. Corpsers Local 725 FTW!
Gears 2: This ones all about build-up and imagination. It’s more like one long “Oh Shit” rather than a fleeting shorter one. One massive, satisfying “Oh Shit.”
Gears 3: Seemingly pulling the same move as the first trailer, we see Marcus look up and makes his “OS!” face at the brand new giant worm thingy. But wait…what’s this? The Locust are shooting at it too? Ooooooooh shit!
There you have it. Stick to those simple guidelines, and the Epic marketing department could be knocking on your door for the trailer to Gears 4. Because yeah, they’re really stopping at three.